Wash.

Once I hear your voice, a feeling of relief, that everything will be ok in the world, washes over me.

It is like a lightning bolt hits my spine as soon as you say my name, and a blanket of cool water flushes from my head to my toes. Any bad feelings I have had disappear. Your voice soothes me to my core, makes me feel complete.

Best morning I've had in a long time. :)

OUCH!

So today would have been day 7 of the shred for me, but I am skipping today because of really intense knee pain.

Those squats and stuff she has you do are GREAT, you really feel the burn, but if you have weak joints to begin with it really kills you. I can barely walk today and when I bent down to put pots and pans away while doing the dishes, I nearly collapsed in the fetal position from pain in my knees. Ha. Hopefully this day skipped won't put me too far off of the track... but I think if I did the work out I'd end up in the hospital tonight. ;P

Starting to not so much see a difference as feel a difference. I feel stronger from the inside, if that makes sense. My face is looking a bit thinner but thats it. I didn't take any measurements or anything so I don't know if I've lost any inches.

Going to go ice my knees, see ya later :)

SHRED.

I have decided that I want to get in shape. I have spent too much time with the mindset that "I am young and I can lose weight any time I want, so lets be lazy and a pig." My metabolism isn't getting any slower (not that it was fast to begin with ;)). I am doing Jillian Michael's 30 day Shred work out video. Its only like 25 minutes long each day but it WORKS YOU. Its tough. It hurts. But I have read only good reviews from it, so I hope it works. I am also trying to eat healthier and much less, plus I am taking Slim Quick fat burn pills. The pills just make you less hungry is all. Okay, so I should have done this on day one but it is day 4.. oh well. Here are *hopefully* "before pictures of me. My biggest annoyances are my hips, gut, and arms. In 26 days, I will come back here and post pictures again in the same swim suit. Cross your fingers that it works! :)) I am trying to be positive!

Drama.

Drama is one of the most unnecessary things in life. What does it do? Does it do anything good for anyone? All drama causes is pain for all parties. You only live once, why get bogged down in stuff that is in the past?

A psychologist would have a field day.

I see what it does to you, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to have it, too. Weird, huh? Can't explain it. Don't know if its worth it to worry about it. I guess take things as they come in life, eh?

Peace.

Where your mind can be free, and you are surrounded only by purity. This song and video makes me think of you, and our time running through snowy forests. Thank you.

No Subject.

Who are we

Where are we

When are we

Why are we

Who are we

Where are we

Why why why?

-Muse, Exogenesis Symphony #1

I feel like these lyrics explain so much. We can ask even the most basic questions... like, "Why?" But with no answers. These are questions that will never have answers, but they are questions that will always be asked.

We will make changes as any family will, but we will always be called the folks who live on the hills

I love listening to jazz. I don't know the names of any bands or singers, really, and I don't sit in the dark smokey clubs sipping wine while listening to some unknown jazz group... I just like to play the jazz radio all day. I don't know what it is about jazz, but I feel like it is one of the purest forms of music. It comes straight from the heart, with no rules to hold it back like in classical music, and it is more diverse and expressive than pop/rock music. There is no such thing as "good" or "bad" jazz. It just is. I think that's why I love it so much- because we, as humans, just are. Jazz speaks to the heart of humanity. Jazz music sparks creativity. You know, I think when I have children some day, I'm going to play jazz music for them when they are babies... ha ha.

Sorry, my thoughts are not very well organized today. I just taught a cello lesson and my brain is still kind of spinning from it. He was having trouble with his bow hand and I was trying to reach from every crevasse in my brain to find a way to explain how to hold the bow... and he was STILL confused. Argh.

Well, I think I'm going to go keep listening to my jazz music and make some tea, and transport my mind to the heart of New Orleans... Oh boy, did I love New Orleans... I hope to live there some day. To be surrounded by this music constantly is a dream that makes my heart well up with excitement, just at the thought of it...

:)

Our ancient heroes, they are turning to dust

HAI BLOG! Yeah I've been gone a while. School, bla bla bla. Now school is over and its summer and I PROMISE to update this more often. :D

I just got my mercer email today... it makes me really sad to be leaving SMU. I love SMU and I always will. I will miss the people the most though. Some of the friends I made at SMU I could never make anywhere else- they are so fantastic and unique. No matter different schools, Carrie will always be my best friend. I can't even begin to describe the wonderful impact she has made in my life since we have been friends... even thinking about not being in school with her makes me want to cry. No lesbo. Just you know, long orchestra rehearsals and how every day we would get a cliff bar and energy drink from 7-11 beforehand to keep us awake (and hyper!), and double dating with the marines, and shopping even though we didn't have any money... the list goes on. Yeah, I'm gonna miss her...

There has been so much on my mind lately and I will definitely let it all out on this blog, but first I need to organize my thoughts. Until then-

life is...

all about balance. ive learned recently that life will be hell if you dont find that exact perfect balance in absolutely everything. like one of those bubbly tools used by carpenters. you need absolute balance in thought, speech, attitude, goal, actions, intentions, thoughts about future, perserverance, the list goes on and on. i had this personal relevation when i learned how to throat sing because to do that you have to find the perfect balance of growl and drone to reach the harmonics, and once you find it, everything feels... in place. i then applied this to my cello and am now progressing more in a few weeks than i have in years. this new thought has applied well to my personal life and honestly, once i find that universal balance, the kind where the world feels in place, i find that i love my life. i beg you, reader, find your balance, the middle point of perfect harmony!

Reflection

I sit in a pool of tears

That will never be dry.

I see my reflection in them,

And what looks back at me is not me.

It is my true self,

The me behind the wall.

You can never hide the true self for too long,

It will always come out to remind you of its existence.

I try to have a solution,

For every problem I face.

But this problem has none,

And cannot be fixed.

Bittersweet, yes.

An impossible solution.

There is no way to change the past,

And no way to really control the future.

All you can do is pretend to move on.

I Anasazi woman, for reals.

I'm about to bring up an uncomfortable subject, so hold on to your seats. Religion!

This question is for anyone who claims their religion is the one and only true religion ever. How do you know? Do you realize there are hundreds, probably thousands of religions before yours that claim the exact same thing? What would you do if you were wrong?

The ancient Anasazi culture, descendants of the modern day Pueblo Indians, were very advanced for their time period. They had 4, 5, even 6 story buildings... and this is all around 1000 AD. Because their society was growing so large, they had to have leaders. Now, the Anasazi Indians were very concerned with astrology, and believed that the stars would tell the future. They had "priests" who knew how to read the stars (supposedly) and they always predicted that the Chaco Canyon crops would do well and the Anasazi culture would prosper. Now, of course, in all reality, they probably just made it up. It also helps that the area of land that Chaco Canyon (the capital of the Anasazi society) resides on is extremely fertile with wonderful weather. For hundreds of years, they had fantastic crops- more than they could handle! Also, an abundance of animals to hunt. They were living in a paradise, and the priests were being revered as not only religious leaders but political figures as well, governing the city.

Now, what happens when the mini ice age comes, and there is a 5 year drought in Chaco Canyon? There is mayhem. The Anasazi believed these priests knew what they were talking about, and now that there was no rain, the priests couldn't pretend to summon rain and have it come within a few days or weeks. They revolted against their leaders, even turning to cannibalism (that is still discussed today... but lets move on.) They eventually, because of the drought, had to move to a farther away place, and since they were all basically insane from the realization that their religion was a scam, this settlement didn't last long either, and once there was another drought, they left again. Scientists think they heard of a new cult south of Mesa Verde, where they were, and decided to join it. Then no one ever heard of the Anasazi Indians ever again- they disappeared.

Can you imagine if something like this happened in today's world? Just picture it. Lets go with Christianity. So lets pretend the Pope admits that Papacy, Bible, Church, and Christianity as a whole is a scam. There is no heaven or hell, no Jesus. No God. How would the world react when they find out what they believed their whole lives was wrong? Utter chaos. There would probably be mass suicides, genocides, anarchy, you name it. Society would crumble into dust. Some people are so set in their beliefs that they would literally go insane trying to wrap their minds around the fact that they are wrong.

Now, imagine this happening with every single religion in the world except for the one that may be "true". I'm not saying there even is one "true" religion, but just try to conceptualize the ridiculous amount of destruction there would be. Countries would fall. People would die from hunger. Genocide and suicide, like I mentioned. There would be a snowball effect, and eventually nature would get involved and there could be huge weather changes... I could go on and on. You get the idea.

This is why I don't believe there is one right religion. I find it hard to believe in religion, period. History shows that throughout time, religion has been used as a means to control a group of people... I just am not cool with that.

Every time someone tries to shove their beliefs down my throat, I just think of the Anasazi Indians, and I do a sigh of relief that I will not turn out like them.

But if there was no religion, the world would also turn to ruins like this. Religion has been one of the building blocks of every single society of peoples for millions of years. Religion gives one a hope for existing, and it helps explain the mystery of life. It gives one a sense of purpose. We must have religion to survive, but we cannot survive with religion. Quite a paradox. What are we to do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Until someone comes up with a new idea that hasn't ever been thought of in the history of man, all we can do is sit back and watch.

:)

Oh, Greg!

Gregorian chants: a religious and musical breakthrough, or a toy in the hands of the most powerful world leaders at the time?

Some history, if you don't know much about gregorian chants- they were made popularized by Pope Gregory, to help organize the chants for the liturgical year. There are 3 different kinds of gregorian chants, but the most popular are the neumatic chants. These are the ones you hear most often. They are monophonic, and include a reading from the liturgy, sung in different tones in a modal fashion, usually by a mens choir. The sound of a gregorian chant can fill a cathedral instantly, and the modal nature of it will send a chill down anyone's back. When gregorian chants were popularized, it changed the face of music not only in the Roman Catholic Church, but in the world. The Church, with the Pope at the head, was the most powerful ruler(s) in the world. With the Church in control of everything, any little ripple of change is going to be a tidal wave of change to the people of the world. Not only would it be a tidal wave because of the Church's power, but because of the power of King Charlemagne, which brings me to my question.

Pope Gregory basically told Charlemagne that he was the King of the earthly world but he will always be below the King of Heaven. He then basically said that God appointed him King. Now, you can imagine, Charlemagne was probably pretty happy to hear that he has full support from the post powerful person in the world, even more powerful than himself- the Pope. You can also imagine that he wouldn't want to mess things up with the Pope... so when the Pope creates a new kind of chant to replace the Gallican chants, Charlemagne is going to jump right on the boat. He helped spread the Pope's new kind of chant throughout the world and enforced the use of Roman Rite rather than Gallican Rite.

Did he do this just to boost himself? Its possible. Of course, any romantic would like to speculate that the gregorian chant is this brand new face to liturgical music, inspiring hope into thousands, and bringing the peace and love of Christ back onto earth. But more realistically, it was probably just a political ploy between Pope Gregory and King Charlemagne to increase their power and their political relationship. Its interesting how something like that could become a building block for music for hundreds of years to come...

Gregorian chants: a religious and musical breakthrough, or a toy in the hands of the most powerful world leaders at the time?

Any thoughts?